Province and City

I grew up in the province - quite near the city, one of the provinces on its perimeter, probably. Still, being brought to the city so often because of outings, shopping, college, and now, even to the hospital (and even my psychiatirst is there)... My heart belonged to the city.

I view myself as a free spirit, uncontained and unchained. The province, or at least my life here, is quite stifling, a horrid prison for the person I have become. I fell in love with the city, but my conservative, strict parents, and our status as middle class (mainly sustained by my parents both working) bar me from the experiences and freedom I crave.

I have a deeply covered jealousy for citydwellers, especially the ones who frequently tell their experiences living in Makati, Mandaluyong, Manila, and the places around it. It leaves a sour taste in my mouth. Living in the city wasn't a dream to have a better life. I have quite a good life here in the province, but being exposed so often to the forbidden fruit that is the "beauty of the city" I grew to love as compared to the equally unique "beauty of the province" I grew up in... It was simply a matter of preference.

Life in the province, for me, is a peaceful life that made me appreciate the essential things in life. As for the waves of experiences I had at the city, made me appreciate life more. Truth be told, I never really felt at home in the province, nor in the city. I just felt closer to the things that sustained my sanity, my mood, my inner peace, and my ambitions there in the city.

I could live without many things I have right now. I learned that here as a province-grown girl. I could live more outside my room. That I learned as a province-grown girl studying in the city. Both essential lessons, but one I cherished than the other.

I have lived with my chronic depression for a long time now, and while the diagnosis is recent, it has been there for years. My life here is not supportive for my positivity, as I was isolated here once, and teased a couple times over. Normal life experiences, true, but it was viewed more negatively for me as my extraversion was forced into a long state of loneliness. Inclusive of my shyness (low esteem and fear of criticism), it was a recipe for my inner self-destruction.

I found myself again in the city. The proximity of my school to the National Museum and National Library, the culture of the unique and vintage in the stores I dream to frequent, and the opportunities to finally include myself in a community (and finally stop being the butterfly without a home) are what sparked my soul there in the city.

Maybe I have romanticized it, or maybe the city just caters to my tastes... I can never be totally sure. However, I know for sure that the province has brought me up to be a responsible woman and the city opened my heart to the ambitions that my tears have fell upon.